Praying to a God that I Don't Believe In
by SpookyClaire
Summary: AU: Blaine Anderson and Kurt Hummel are just two grieving widows whose spouses happened to die in the same plane crash. But when it appears their spouses were not as faithful as they thought their worlds collide.


**Praying to a God that I Don't Believe In**

**Summary**: AU. Blaine Anderson and Kurt Hummel are just two grieving widows whose spouses happened to die in the same plane crash. But when it appears their spouses were not as faithful as they thought their worlds collide.

**Note**: So, my mom and I were watching this movie 'Random Hearts' the other day. It's from the 90's, I think, and it stars Harrison Ford for anyone interested. I didn't watch the whole thing but I got the premise: a man finds out his wife was cheating on him when the plane she and her lover were on crashes. I don't know how it ends since I walked out, but the idea just was so sad to me so I thought why not torture Kurt and Blaine with it? Fun times. [Just note, if you know the movie this isn't a copy, it's just the main idea. As far as I know it's actually really different from the movie. But I have no idea what happens in the movie besides a few things, sooo…]

Enjoy!

00

Kurt Hummel was not a vain man, but he did take pride in his life. He was proud to work for Marc Jacobs (even if he was lower on the food chain at the moment). He was proud to have a husband who worked for the New York Times (though the two had been growing distant lately, but Kurt blamed that on their conflicting work schedules). He was proud of his small, yet well decorated apartment. He was proud of his life. He had it good.

At least, he did until he got that phone call.

"Hello?" All he got in return was a gasp and a strangled sob, "Um…hello?"

"Kurt, oh my God, Kurt."

"Dad? Dad, what's wrong? Are you ok?" He immediately sat up straight in his seat.

"Am _I_ ok? Is that a joke? Oh my God, Kurt, I thought you were-"

"Thought I was what? Dad, calm down, just tell me."

"Have you seen the news?"

"The news? What-no, I've been holed up at my desk for the past 6 hours working on this paper work for the next collection. Why, what's on the news?"

There was a long pause on the other end, "Kurt, was John going on a trip today?"

"John? Yeah, he had an assignment in LA. Why, how did you know?"

"Kurt…there was…there was an accident."

Kurt heart froze at that, "An accident? What do you mean an accident?"

"Check…check the news." Kurt pressed his desk phone in-between his ear and his shoulder and got on his computer, typing faster than ever. When he got to a news site the words were in big bold letters: PLANE CRASH LEAVES NO SURVIVERS.

Kurt suddenly forgot how to breathe.

"Kurt? Kurt?"

"He—he-"

_On a flight from New York to Los Angeles technical difficulties caused the pilots to lose control as soon as the plane was in the air. The pilots tried to gain some control but crashed into a field only a few miles from the airport._

"John—he was—"

"They called us." Burt said quietly on the phone, Kurt had forgotten he was there. "They said he and his husband were on that flight. God…God Kurt I thought you were…"

"I have to go." Kurt whispered, gathering up his things.

"Kurt-"

"I need to make sure…I need to make sure he wasn't on that plane."

"Call me when you know anything. I love you, Kurt."

"I love you too, dad." Quickly hanging up the call Kurt started dialing the JFK airport.

00

Blaine Anderson was happy with his life. He currently worked on Broadway, living his dream. Though he currently did not have main part he _was_ the understudy to several of the characters, and he came to work every day with a bright smile on his face. He loved his job, he loved that he got to do what he loved every day: sing, dance, act. It was perfect, he loved his job. He also loved his lovely husband Gabriel, who was a pharmacist at the New York Downtown Hospital. He loved his apartment, he loved his car, he loved his cats, he loved everything. He'd finally gotten everything he wanted after a childhood of rejection. His life was perfect.

But all good things must come to an end, apparently.

"Hey, you guys, did you see this?" Came a frantic voice from the greenroom.

"What?" One of Blaine's fellow actors called.

"There was a plane crash, man! Not far from here!" Practice was soon forgotten as everyone piled into the small room, gathering around the television.

"_The plane was only in the air for about five minutes_." The reporter on the TV spoke, "_No one is sure what happened exactly, but police are investigating. As of right now it does not seem terrorism is to blame, but rather technical difficulties. But no matter what the cause this is clearly one of the biggest tragedies we've seen in the past few years._" The reporter went on to show photos and videos of the fiery crash.

"Holy shit, man. This is 9/11 all over again."

"No it's not, they just said it's not terrorism."

"They said they _think_ it's not."

Blaine knew all of his coworkers were speaking, but he wasn't hearing them. All he could hear was the echo of the voicemail his husband had left him that morning.

'_Hey you. Listen, there's some conference in LA that the hospital wants me to attend. It's really last minute but I'm at the airport now. I swear to god, they do this to me on purpose…anyway, I should be back by Monday. I'll see you then, Blaine. Love you._'

"Where was it going?" Blaine forced out, suddenly remembering to breathe.

"What?" His coworkers asked, stopping their conversations.

"The plane. Where was it going?"

"Uuh." One of the females turned and squinted at the TV, "I think…I think it said LA…yup, right there. It says Los Angeles—Blaine?"

But Blaine couldn't respond. He heard a rush of blood in his ears, his breath quickened, he could hardly breathe. "Gabe was on that flight." Blaine whispered.

"What?"

"Oh my God, are you sure?"

"I have to call them—I have to know-" Blaine was rushing from the room, pulling out his cell phone and blindly dialing. "Hi, can you connect me to JFK airport? I…I think my husband was on the plan that crashed."

00

Kurt stood with other grieving family members in a conference room in a Hyatt hotel not far from the crash. He hugged his arms tight around himself as he waited for the airport officials to come talk to him about identifying the…about identifying his husband. But that wasn't what he was thinking about. He was thinking about the conversations he'd had with John's coworkers not an hour before.

"_John, where is he? Have you seen him?" Kurt asked frantically as he walked through the familiar halls of his husband's work place. _

"_John? No. He took the day off."_

"_For his assignment, right? Where were you guys sending him?" Kurt barely took any breath in between his words. He just wanted to know if John was really on that plane or not. He just prayed that the John Hardwick on the plane was someone else's husband. _

"_Assignment?" John's coworker Alex repeated dumbly. "He wasn't…" Alex's eyes widened, "Uh…hang on, I'm going to go get our boss." _

"_What—no—just-just tell me where-" But Alex was already rushing down the hall. Kurt leaned hard on John's desk, taking deep breaths. "It's not him." Kurt kept whispering, "It's not him. It's not him. It was another John and his husband. It wasn't _my_ John."_

"_Kurt?" The gay man stood up straight as he saw his husband's boss Jamie cautiously walking towards him. "Kurt, Alex told me you're looking for John-"_

"_I want to know where you guys sent him for his assignment. I thought he said LA but I think I'm wrong. Just tell me where you sent him." _

"_Kurt…we didn't-"_

"_Just tell me you didn't send him to LA. Please." Kurt begged, eyes welling up for the first time. _

_Jamie's eyes widened. "Oh my God, the plane crash."_

"_Yes the plane crash!" Kurt all but screamed, gaining the attention of most everyone in the room, "Just…just tell me you didn't send him to LA." _

"_Kurt…" Jamie bit his lip. "Kurt…we didn't…we didn't send him anywhere."_

_Kurt froze, shaking his head. "No—no he told me—he told me—he said you sent him on an assignment. That's why he was going to LA…" _

"_If John was going to LA it wasn't for us." Jamie said delicately. _

_Kurt fell back into the desk. "He…he lied to me?" _

"_Kurt," Jamie whispered, "Why don't we talk about this in my office?" _

"_He lied to me." Kurt repeated, not moving. "They said…they said he was listed as traveling with his husband. I thought it was just a mistake. But he…" He glanced up to see Alex looking away guiltily. "Was he cheating on me?" Jamie bit down hard on his lip and Alex still refused to meet Kurt's eye. "He was cheating on me. The husband on the plane…he was having an affair." _

"_Kurt…"_

"_How long have you known?" _

_Jamie glanced at Alex, who immediately held up his hands in defense, "I didn't know! I mean…I suspected but…" He shrugged lamely. Kurt turned to Jamie. _

"_Did you know?"_

"_Kurt, no, I swear I didn't-" _

_Kurt bit his lip hard, "I knew we'd been growing apart but I just thought…" Kurt trailed off, shaking his head, "Thank you for your help," He whispered, his words rather biting despite being so quiet. He quickly turned and ran from the room. _

"Mr. Hummel? Mr. Hummel!" Kurt's neck snapped up as he saw the two officials, a man and a woman, standing before him.

"Yes?" Kurt whispered, unconsciously spinning his wedding ring between his fingers. "Did…did you…?"

"Mr. Hummel, we're sorry, but your husband was identified. He was on the flight." Kurt nodded, tears welling up in his eyes. He looked down at his hand as he continued to play with his wedding ring.

"If you need to talk to someone we have some professionals on hand-"

"I just…I need to be alone for a minute." They nodded and turned to walk away. As they turned the whole day came crashing to a halt.

His husband was dead. His husband was dead and he was cheating on him. His husband was dead because he was on a flight to go fuck his secret lover all weekend in LA. His lying, cheating husband was dead. And he'd died pretending to be married to someone else.

"Wait." Kurt whispered before the officials got too far away. They turned, looking expectant. "The man…the man my husband had listed as his…as his husband." The officials bit their lip, clearly aware of the situation. Kurt wondered if they'd all had discussions about it before coming out to talk to everyone. '_Oh, and one of the guys who died was pretending to be married to someone else and his husband called. So be careful, you might end up telling someone their husband is a cheating liar._' Kurt shook the thoughts from his head. "Can you tell me who the other man was?"

"We're not supposed-" The man started to say but the woman cut him off.

"We're still identifying him but we think…we think we know." Kurt raised an eyebrow, "A man called saying his husband was on the flight but we had no record of him. It…it fits."

"Do you know who the husband was?"

"We really shouldn't-"

"Someone named Blaine." The female said quietly, "That's all we know."

Kurt just nodded. "Thank you." He whispered, and he watched them go, the male whispering to the female about how she 'shouldn't have done that.'

Kurt leaned hard against the wall. He wondered what Blaine was like, if he knew his husband was a cheater or if this was a total shock, or if he still didn't know. He tried to imagine what Blaine looked like, what his house looked like, if they had any kids, what he and his cheating, lying husband did for a living. He wondered if they were happy, or if they'd grown distant like Kurt and John.

_Distant_, Kurt thought. They were a fuck of a lot more distant than Kurt thought if John was screwing someone else behind his back and he didn't even _suspect it_. Kurt bit his lip, he was completely torn. His heart was broken because, yes, he absolutely loved John. He was his husband, after all, and his heart was crushed that he was gone. But…but there was just this anger inside him. This anger that his husband had been cheating on him. He wondered how long John had been with this other guy. How long he'd been making up going on 'assignments' to go fuck this other guy. Kurt wondered if all the times they made love…if John was thinking of the other guy.

He just felt so betrayed.

He had no idea what he was supposed to be feeling. He was betrayed, he was angry, but he was also sad. Should he forgive his husband simply because he was dead? Or should he be angry? Kurt didn't know. He'd never heard of anyone who found out their husband was a cheating liar _because_ he died.

Kurt wondered if he'd ever have known had John not died. Would he have gone on living happily, blissfully unaware of his husband's sins? Or would he have found out? Would there have been fighting? A painful divorce? A lovely reconciliation? Would Kurt have ever forgiven John?

He'd never know now. Now he'd just have to learn to pick up the pieces. He wasn't sure if he could ever forgive John…but for now…for now he could just try to forget.

This hotel had a bar, didn't it?

00

Blaine shook his head as the officials spoke to him, "No. No. It's not my Gabe. It can't be. You said he was listed under the name Hardwick? That can't be my Gabe."

"Mr. Anderson…the DNA matches."

"But that's not…that's not his last name. His last name is-"

"We don't know why he used a different last name – it may have just been a mistake by ticketing." The male official said, glancing at the female, who returned it with a look of her own. Blaine caught the exchange.

"What? What aren't you telling me?" He asked, hiccupping as he pressed a tissue to his eyes.

"Nothing, Mr. Anderson." The male said quickly.

Blaine was too tired to pursue that, but quickly said, "It can't be him. I'll—I'll call the hospital. He said he was going to some conference. I bet I—I bet I misheard him. I bet he wasn't going to LA. The…the conferences are usually in Texas. I bet he said Texas. I'll call them."

"Mr. Anderson-" The woman said quickly.

"No, let me call them and they'll prove he wasn't on the flight."

"Mr. Anderson-"

But Blaine was already on the phone with the pharmacy department at the hospital. "Hey, Andrew, it's Blaine. C-can you tell me where you guys sent Gabe for that conference?" Blaine's eyes darkened at the response he got, "What-what do you mean…no…he-he told me you guys sent him last minute to a conference. No, he wouldn't lie to me. Why would he lie to me? Andrew stop messing around and just tell me where you sent him!" But Blaine's speech was starting to break apart as sobs over took him. His phone clattered from his hands as he sank to his knees. "Oh my God, Gabe." He sobbed, "He's gone, oh God, Gabe is gone."

00

Kurt was finished his beer in one last swig. Normally he preferred a nice white wine, but tonight…tonight he was drinking beer. He glanced up as a man walked dazedly into the bar. He fell onto a stool two over from Kurt. His eyes were distant and red, like someone who'd been crying. He looked shocked, confused, hurt.

_He must have lost someone too_, Kurt thought.

"Are you here about the crash, too?" Kurt found himself asking before he could stop himself. _That probably isn't a really great thing to ask_, Kurt thought. But the man…he looked exactly how Kurt felt. Just…just lost.

The man turned slowly to Kurt, eyes glistening slightly as he nodded. Kurt waved the bar tender over and ordered two more beers. "So did I." Kurt said quietly, taking a swig of his new drink. The man slowly did the same.

"My husband is gone." The man whispered quietly, and Kurt froze for a second. His _husband_ is gone.

"Mine too." Kurt found himself whispering, watching the man carefully.

"He…he told me he was going to a conference…the hospital didn't know what I was talking about…" The man was talking quietly, more to himself than to Kurt. "Why…why would he lie to me? Why was he on that flight?"

Kurt's heart froze. Oh _God_. This was him. This was Blaine. This was the husband of the man John was fucking behind Kurt's back. "I-" Kurt started to say, but the words died on his lips. What the hell was he supposed to say? This Blaine guy clearly had had no idea, he clearly was still processing. He didn't understand his husband had been cheating. His husband had been cheating with _Kurt's_ husband. What the hell do you say to the spouse of you dead husband's lover?

Blaine slowly turned to Kurt again, "He was…he was listed as someone else's husband." He whispered, "He…I…what did I do wrong?"

"Nothing." Kurt said immediately. It was like he was talking to himself. Blaine was him. "It's not your fault."

Blaine looked down at his beer, "He was cheating on me." He whispered, as if only just realizing it. "He cheated on me…and now…now he's dead." He buried his head in his hands and Kurt found himself moving over a stool, placing his hand on the widow's shoulder. "What…what the hell am I supposed to do now?" Blaine sobbed into his hands. Kurt didn't answer because, well shit, he was trying to figure that out himself.

"I'm sorry." Blaine said finally, "I…you don't even know my name and I'm sobbing to you when you lost someone too." Kurt decided not to comment on that. "I'm Blaine." The man said, whipping his face off with his hands. _That's it._ Kurt thought, _that confirms it. This guy was married to John's mistress._

"I'm Kurt." He said quietly, not sure if he should say anything or not.

"You said you lost someone too?" Blaine asked Kurt who just nodded, not trusting his voice. "I'm sorry, here I am sobbing away, but you're hurting too."_ You have no idea…or well, maybe you do. _

"I lost my husband." Kurt said quietly, before he could stop himself. Blaine's eyes widened slightly, as if connecting the dots. I probably should have said that, Kurt thought.

"Oh…was…was he…" Blaine didn't seem to know what he wanted to say as he stared at Kurt.

"He…he was listed as traveling with his husband." Kurt whispered, watching for Blaine's reaction, "But clearly I wasn't with him." Blaine's eyes were wide, horrified.

"So…our…our husbands…"

"They were having an affair with each other." Kurt whispered, waiting for Blaine's reaction. The other man just stared at him for a long moment, not saying anything.

"I…" Blaine started, clearly at a loss for words, "I feel like I should hate you." He finally whispered.

Kurt's chest tightened. "Why?"

"I don't know. I don't know what to do or say…or feel"

"I don't either." They sat in silence for a long moment, Kurt took another swig of his beer.

"Did…did you suspect it?" Blaine asked after a while.

Kurt shook his head, but paused, reconsidering his answer. "I suppose…I suppose maybe deep down I did. We had been growing apart for a while now, but I had just thought it was because our work schedules conflicted so much…but I guess I know now it wasn't always work." Kurt sighed, glancing at the other man. "What about you, did you suspect it?" Blaine silently shook his head.

"I'm so stupid." He whispered.

"No you're not-" Kurt started to say.

"Yes, I am." Blaine cut him off, "I'm so stupid and optimistic and _naive_. He was going behind my back for God knows how long and I never…never even had an _inkling_…" Blaine ran his fist under his nose.

Kurt said nothing, he just placed his hand over Blaine's. He didn't really know what to say. An hour ago Kurt had no idea who Blaine was. Now these two were more connected to each other than they were with anyone else. They knew exactly what the other was going through…but neither knew what to say.

"I can't believe I was so fucking blind."

_Yeah_, Kurt thought, _me either_.

00

It became a weekly thing, getting together and getting drunk. Or at least, at first they had gotten drunk. Later on they just got dinner. At first it was sort of like a therapy session. They could discuss things they used to do with their husbands and wonder where it had all gone wrong. They helped each other through the funerals and the confused, angry grieving. They even exchanged numbers, texting or calling the other when things just became too much.

But after a while it became something they looked forward to. It was a time when they could completely be themselves. They didn't have to worry about people walking on egg shells around them. They didn't have to think about what was being whispered. (_"Oh, you know Kurt? His husband was cheating on him. He found out when he died in the crash. How awful is that?"_). They could just get together and drink and chat and forget their worries for a few hours. Kurt had no idea when it had hit that level, but he only noticed it about two months after the accident.

Kurt also noticed at that point how tragically beautiful Blaine was.

His smile was gorgeous, so inviting. His face was so expressive – you could tell exactly what he was thinking just by watching his face. His eyebrows in particular danced around his forehead when he spoke. His laugh was musical, and his body…don't even get Kurt started on his body. (Blaine claimed he didn't work out, he just danced for work. But with _those_ arms Kurt didn't believe him.)

They also found out they had a lot in common. They'd both grown up in Ohio, they'd both been in their school glee clubs, they were both musically inclined, and they had both been bullied. Kurt found out Blaine's parents weren't accepting of his sexuality and had kicked him out at 16. Blaine found out Kurt had a very accepting father, and a lovely step-mother. Kurt told Blaine about his friends from McKinley and Blaine told Kurt about his friends from Dalton. They exchanged glee club stories and laughed at all the things that used to matter to them.

Blaine found out Kurt worked for Marc Jacobs, but his real dream was to start his _own_ fashion line. Kurt found out Blaine worked on Broadway but would really love to get a CD out. They found out all the tiny, miniscule details about each other, what made them _them_. To each other they weren't defined by this tragedy where they lost their cheating spouses. They were just themselves, Kurt and Blaine.

And it felt good...

…but it was bad. Very bad.

It was bad because Kurt couldn't take his eyes off Blaine's lips as he spoke, and _god_ this it was bad that Kurt found Blaine's eyes so beautiful and expressive, and shit it was _really_ bad that when Blaine got up from the table Kurt found his eyes lingering on Blaine's bulge.

He was attracted to his late husband's lover's husband. Did he mention this was bad?

Their husbands had died a little over 2 months ago, was that the appropriate time to grieve before it was ok to look at other men? His husband had been a cheater…but that didn't help Kurt's guilt. He'd loved John. He'd been married to John for three years, they'd dated since college. He was Kurt's first and only boyfriend. He'd loved his husband, he had. But the fact he was having an affair…it really put the sting on his death. Like, he died doing something so unforgivable that Kurt didn't feel nearly as sad as he would have had John died a monogamous man. And yes, he feels guilty about that, but it's sort of out of control. He can't control what he's feeling…just like he can't control the tightening in his pants when Blaine lets out a little squeak mid-laugh.

"So you'll come, right?" Kurt was torn from his thoughts as he realized Blaine asked him a question.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"You'll come to the show on Saturday? I can score you tickets. Brian's out so I get to be Tony." Blaine seemed to rock a little, clearly nervous but excited.

"Oh, I wouldn't miss it! When am I gonna get the chance again to see you sing?" Blaine blushed deeply.

That was another thing – he was as humble as they come.

"I mean, I could sing for you any time. I mean—if you wanted." Kurt found a blush creeping across his own face.

"I'd love that. You said you wrote some of your own songs, didn't you?"

"Oh-well-yeah, but you don't want to hear those, they're not that great."

"Bullshit! I bet they're fantastic!" Kurt cried, swinging his beer bottle, "And you can bet your ass as soon as you get that CD out I'll be the first one in line."

Blaine's face was the color of a fire truck by now. "Oh, yeah? Well, when the 'Kurt Hummel' line finally hits stores I'll be wearing all your collections."

Kurt laughed good naturedly, "Yeah, you can wear my clothes, then everyone will want to dress like Blaine Anderson and they'll buy all my stuff." Blaine laughed – this time refraining from squeaking thank God – and shook his head.

"Ugh, Kurt." He said shaking his head, "This is what gets me through the week."

"I know what you mean," Kurt said with a nod, "It's like the…the accident, and what happened after, it's like what defines me now. When people see me they don't see me as a hard worker, or even as a person. They see me as that guy who's husband cheated on him and then died in a plane crash."

Blaine nodded, shaking his head, "Sometimes I swear, people just walk up and apologize. And at work? Sometimes I'm worried if I get a part it'll just be out of pity."

Kurt nodded, "I just…this is the only time I feel like I can breathe, y'know? Like…"

"You just _get_ me." Blaine finished.

"Shared experiences, and all." Kurt shrugged and Blaine nodded, both going silent for a moment. Kurt downed the last of his beer and sighed, "It's getting late, we should probably go." Blaine sighed too and nodded, waving a waitress over for a check.

After paying they made their way outside. Kurt tried and failed for several minutes to flag down a cab while Blaine watched. "You know, I could just give you a ride?" Blaine said as the seventh cab in a row drove past. Kurt turned and Blaine gestured towards the parking lot.

"You know what? That'd be fantastic, thank you." Blaine just nodded and the two made their way to Blaine's car. Kurt gave Blaine directions to his apartment and the two spent most of the ride in a comfortable silence, listening to the radio play quietly in the background. When they finally arrived at Kurt's apartment building Kurt found himself once again speaking without thinking.

"Do you want to come inside? I have a parking space in back that I don't use." Kurt wanted to take the words back as soon as they left his mouth. _Stupid! Stupid! You're just asking for trouble!_

"I uh, yeah, that'd be nice." Blaine said, looking surprised, but not at all displeased. Kurt just nodded, refusing to look at the other man. After parking the two made their way upstairs.

With every step Kurt both regretted and approved of his decision to invite Blaine in. A big part of him wanted to get to know Blaine better, to take it to the next level. But a bigger part of him reminded himself that his husband had died not 3 months ago. And Blaine was the 'other man's' widow.

When they finally made it to his apartment Kurt fumbled with the lock for a moment before finally getting inside. "Make yourself at home." Kurt said, dropping his keys in a bowl by the door. "Would you like a coffee?"

"Yeah, that'd be great." Blaine said with a nod. Kurt watched him glance around the apartment. Some spots on the wall were discolored where photo frames had been (but where now in a box in the corner of his room). Kurt had tried to take down all photos of John, but he wouldn't get rid of them, he couldn't. John had been such a major part of his life, even if it did end poorly. Kurt couldn't forget about that. He even kept all the news paper articles talking about the crash. He even saved John's obituary. The obituary that spoke so highly and kindly of him. The obituary that didn't mention his cheating ways, or the way he left his husband devastated and confused.

"Your apartment is lovely. It's totally you." Blaine said kindly, a warm smile on his face. Kurt handed him a mug full of steaming coffee. "Oh, thank you."

"So…I bet you noticed pictures of a certain someone aren't up." Blaine shrugged, glancing down the hall. "Did you leave pictures of Gabriel up?"

"No…no, I took them down." He said quietly. "I just…I can't look at pictures of us so happy knowing it's a lie."

Kurt nodded, "I know exactly what you mean." Blaine gave him a warm smile, as if you say 'You _always_ understand.' Kurt couldn't help but smile back. They migrated to the living room and plopped down on the couch.

"Really Kurt, I like your apartment."

"Thanks." Kurt said softly. They sat in comfortable silence for a moment, just sipping their coffee.

"Kurt, I-"

"Blaine-" The two stopped, laughing slightly as they spoke at the same time.

"You go first," Kurt insisted.

Blaine shook his head, "No, you."

Kurt bit his lip, "I was just wondering…when do you…when do you think it's…appropriate…to look at other guys?"

"What?" Blaine looked surprised, cup stopping mid-air. Kurt felt just as surprised, that was _not_ what he had intended to say.

"I just…do you think it's…too early…to be looking at other men? I mean, it's only been two months. And if I start looking at a different guy I feel guilty because I feel like it's too soon but I just can't _help_ it-"

"I've been feeling the same way."

Kurt froze mid-sentence, "You have?"

Blaine just nodded, biting his lip. "You've…you've been looking at someone?" Kurt nodded, "For how long?"

Kurt shrugged, "A couple weeks…a least, consciously it's been a couple weeks."

Blaine bit his lip hard, "Is it…is it anyone I know?" Kurt froze for a minute, how was he going to flat out lie to Blaine? How could he answer this without yelling 'IT'S YOU, IDIOT.' "Is it…is it…" Blaine couldn't speak, apparently. Kurt wondered who Blaine thought Kurt was referring to. Could Blaine possibly know how Kurt felt for him?

"It's you." Kurt found himself whispering before he could stop himself. He found himself clapping his hand over his mouth, as if trying to take it back.

Blaine's eyes were wide as saucers, mouth agape. "It's me?" He repeated.

"I'm sorry." Kurt whispered, jumping from the couch, "That was—this is totally inappropriate of me. I'll just—I'll just-"

"What? Leave? It's _your_ apartment." Blaine said, and Kurt's panicked waned a little at Blaine's kind tone. Kurt turned to the other widow and started at him for a moment. "I've been…I've been the same…the man I've been looking at was you, Kurt." Blaine said, placing his mug on the coffee table. They stared at each other's faces for a long moment, as if trying to figure out what the other was thinking.

"It's just…you completely understand me." Kurt whispered, "And when I'm around you…I can just be myself. I don't have to put up a mask. And it's just so nice and you make me feel so…so…"

"So normal." Blaine finished.

Kurt found himself falling back into place on the couch next to Blaine. They stared at each other for a long moment, "So…what…where do we go from here?" Blaine asked quietly, eyes flickering to Kurt's lips and back to his eyes.

"I don't know." Kurt whispered.

They sat in silence for a long moment, but before he could blink the two were leaning forward, their lips pressing together. The kiss lasted for several moments, the two men only pulling back when they needed to breathe.

"Kurt." Blaine whispered, looking into Kurt's eye, looking worried. "Kurt, is this ok?"

"Yes, Blaine." Kurt whispered, pulling Blaine close, "For the first time in a long time…this is perfect."

00

_I feel like the ending is a little sudden but I'll post it anyways. I hope you guys enjoyed it!_

_-claire_


End file.
